a year ago…

a year ago i was hoping to migrate to sydney. i had the interviews lined up. already had to turn down a prospect because we can’t agree with the salary on offer.

i was booking the flights. but everywhere’s fully booked for the next 3 weeks. how likely is that when it’s not even summer yet? either wait or fly first class (yeah right, like we had the budget for first class).

and so continued the endless talks over coffee (in that little coffee shop in SM Valenzuela). to decide whether to push through with the plans to migrate elsewhere or go back to london.

at least, getting the flights to london were a lot easier to book.

10 days we were holed up in that tiny windowless room of easyhotel in kensington. in and out of interviews and apartment viewings. nights spent in internet cafes and reading the latest harry potter and talking ourselves out of depression.

thinking as to how long we had to wait until that job offer. and how are we going to get a flat when even though we had the money to pay for rent, our not having a job (yet) is already causing us problems. at worst we would have to ask friends a big favour to guarantee for us. or rent a room from them for a while.

but that we had a couple of properties being rented out was a saving grace, as it qualified us as having a source of income. and we ended up in a flat in barking (with an agent on the dodgy side). and a job soon after.

i could still remember the feeling. and i don’t think i’ll ever forget it. wanting to feel depressed but needed to keep an upbeat front. worrying kung saan kami pupulutin but at the same time resigned to the fact that we know we’re doing all that we can and that there’s no point losing sleep over it. enjoying reading harry potter but feeling like i don’t deserve any enjoyment at such a time. preparing myself as it’s most likely that the husband will get a job outside of the UK.

putting things into perspective, and all our drama aside, it really isn’t such big a deal. we have a lot of options left, not the best ones, but there’s no chance we’ll ever be out in the cold. we had a difficult couple of weeks starting up our life back in the UK. and a month more praying that the husband will find a job in london so we can stay together.

but things will always fall into place as it always did. i hang onto that line everytime and it had never failed me.

maybe we’ll never have a simple, settled life. always itching to embark on something new. always finding ways to complicate our lives just a little bit more. forever asking questions. finding our happiness in change. where being out of our comfort zone is actually comforting, an affirmation of the changes we’re making.

in some ways, it is sad. that we’re not finding contentment. forever chasing after something we don’t quite know yet. that we have made one big leap after another but never quite ending up where we can keep still.

but why be content when deep inside you know you can be so much more? why spend time justifying your current situation when it’s just as easy to change it? why accept things as they are when nobody’s stopping you from asking questions? why keep still and only think about yourself when you can make a difference?

life is a quest. to find happiness. to find your place in the world. to find answers to the unending questions. everyday is an opportunity to grow, be better and to know yourself a bit more.

(side note: Easyhotel is in a really good location, clean, and probably the cheapest room with an ensuite you can get in London. i had booked us a disabled access room because it was the only 1 left and would give us a bit more space. but i really would find it hard to recommend them unless you’re planning to come home dead drunk every night and just sleep. those rooms are absolutely depressing as it was windowless and the room was as big as the bed with a bit of floor space for the luggage and to get through the toilet. i felt like it was the closest i’ll get to a prison cell.)

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